Schadenfreude. Huh?

Posted: 1873 days ago in Everything Else Sex & Relationships

schadenfreude

My mom is German, so it’s fun to say this with my poor attempt at a German accent.

Schadenfreude.

The literal translation is Fail-Joy, or enjoyment obtained by the failure of others. Oh boy. Yes, we are going to go there.

I know that all of you have a few or more close friends and acquaintances that you only wish the best for. But I also know that most of you quite likely get a teeny, tiny bit of pleasure if those said individuals get a big zit on their noses, get dumped by their PERFECT boyfriend, or don’t get the promotion they were coveting because of a flop at work.

463576661The rest of you are lying.

It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. Live Science has studied this very topic and confirmed that the reason we smile when these things happen is because internally, it’s a self-affirming boost. ‘ “If somebody enjoys the misfortune of others, then there’s something in that misfortune that is good for the person,” said study researcher Wilco W. van Dijk, adding that, “it could be due to thinking the other person deserves the misfortune, and so becoming less envious of them or feeling better about one’s self.” ‘

Please don’t mistake schadenfreude for WISHING that those things would happen to your friends. That would just make you a bitch, or an evil sorceress.

But if they just so happen to happen, especially if those said friends just seem to have it all going for them, it’s completely normal to feel a little satisfaction, like life really does have its own set of checks and balances.

Feel better now?

The Date Night Appe-teaser

Posted: 1906 days ago in Sex & Relationships

datenight

I’m a big proponent of the proverbial date night. I entered into my second marriage 6 years ago, and am determined to do it right this time. “Right” can mean a lot of things though – and I am acutely aware of (and actively working on) all of the factors that contribute to a great marriage.

Having regular date nights is fun for us – it’s a way to keep our relationship in the dating phase, without the angst of the “I’ll call you….” at the end. However, married date night does have its drawbacks. No longer in the “first impression” stage, hubby and I feel free to indulge at greats restaurants – bring on the pasta, bread and wine!

Oomph.  That does not result in me feeling sexy.

Though I often don saucy lingerie and have great intentions for a night of unbridled passion — truth is — I fall into a food coma 9 times out of 10.

Enough of that! Enter the appe-teaser!

What is the appe-teaser, you say? When we are just about ready to go out, all bathed and spritzed and pretty, I’ll give my hubby the eye… or the hand…or the mouth. This gets the party started before we ever leave the house! It sets the tone for a great night of intimacy and romance – and the puffy lips and hair that look as if I’ve just been you-know-whatted don’t hurt, either.

After all, it’s all about the timing, isn’t it? 

Whether it’s a carb-coma, young children or just long, stressful days that are dousing your romantic fires, be open to the when’s and where’s of sex. You will find that the sexual slump that most married couples complain about is non-existent if you only expand your horizons beyond the sex-at-bedtime routine. Wake-up sex, nooners at the office, and appe-teasers can be the lifeblood of a long-term relationship.

And the puffy lips, tousled hair and smirk on your face will keep everyone guessing.

The Geographically Undesirable Clitoris

Posted: 1949 days ago in Sex & Relationships

clitoris

No that’s not a clitoris – it’s a place called Antelope Canyon out in Arizona – known for its erotic resemblance. Ooooh La La!

Anyway – you know how guys get teased about how they tend to overestimate the size of their penises? Well, I think whoever created women underestimated the effective distance between the clitoris and vagina. In terms of reaching orgasm through intercourse alone, that inch or two may as well be two feet.

I am continually shocked that women who cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse alone, think that they are in the minority.

Ladies, listen up: You are in good company!

Upwards of 75% of women need a manual assist – read, direct clitoral stimulation – to achieve orgasm. That’s right! Although foreplay and an attentive partner certainly help the situation – still, most of us will NEVER climax if we don’t give our little lima bean some attention. It’s just an anatomical thing.

limabean

The male equivalent of the clitoris is the glans, or head of the penis. It’s in the center of the action, so rarely does the male intercourse experience not end in orgasm for that very reason. Asking a woman to have a orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris would be comparable to a man achieving orgasm without any type of contact with the head of his penis.

For that reason, I will never understand why the seat of female orgasm lies an inch or two north of the vagina. Unless you are one of the lucky few, and I repeat fewthat can achieve vaginal orgasms, you will need super creative positioning (I suggest trying the CAT technique ), or a willing hand, vibrator, or mouth to reach the Big O.

Don’t you feel better now?

Are You in a Relationship….or a Situationship?

Posted: 1966 days ago in Sex & Relationships

situationshipI read this term in Marie Claire magazine recently and I loved it.

What is a situationship? If you’re with a ‘place-holder’ – you know…not your dream mate, but someone who’s good enough for the moment – you are in a situationship.

Do you have a friend with benefits or someone on your speed dial for a late night booty-call? You would be in a situationship.

What if you are with someone because it’s better than being alone? That is the ultimate situationship and I would urge you to end it.

If there’s already a train in your station, there isn’t a track available for the “train of your dreams” to arrive. You must create the space before he or she will ever appear – it’s the most basic relationship advice I could ever give someone!

No judgement, chicas, just don’t kid yourself, or the (in)significant other that’s in the situationship with you. If you’re both on the same page, no harm, no foul. But if one of you is longing for a REALationship, it’s bound to end badly.

Just saying.

Snow Days a.k.a. They Blow Days

Posted: 1970 days ago in Sex & Relationships

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Call me a hater if you must, but I am no longer a fan of the beloved “snow day”. 

When our girls were little, they were an absolute blast. After a good sleep-in, we’d bundle up, go sledding, build a snowman, and have hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. Afterward, I’d make a big pot of soup and we’d huddle around the fireplace, playing Clue or Blokus for the hundredth time.

Now I just want to shoot myself.

You see, I’m kind of used to having my days to myself when the girls are at school. Planned time off doesn’t throw me for a loop, and trust me, we have a lot of good QT on vacation. But the unanticipated day off? Now they go something like this:

5:00 a.m.: Every phone in the house rings to tell us that we will not have to wake up in an hour to drag our teens out of bed, because due to inclimate weather, school is cancelled.

5:30 a.m.: I’ve been laying in bed for 30 minutes, pissed off because I would have been sleeping but for the annoying phone call, but now am wide awake.

7:00 a.m.: All Yoga classes are cancelled for the day, the grocery store is closed, and I don’t have any ingredients for soup. I consider folding the mountain of laundry… and then reconsider.

10:00 a.m.: The first of many wakeup calls for the girls. My, “Hurray! It’s a snow day! You got to sleep in, but now let’s go do something!” is met with icy glares and stone cold silence followed by, “Whyyyyyyyy did you wake me up?????”.

10:30 a.m.: “Oh giiiirls, you don’t want to waste the whole day sleeping, do you?” Umm, btw, yes, they do.

11:00 a.m.: “GET OUT OF BED THIS MINUTE! YOU WILL NOT SLEEP YOUR LIFE AWAY! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN TODAY… DO YOU HEAR ME? I SAID FUN!”

TEENAGERSThe rest of the day goes something like:

“I’m bored”

“It’s cold out”

“I want to hang out with my friends”

“My friends won’t call me back”

“I’m hungry”

“We don’t have any food”

“I don’t like this food”

“I wanna play a game”

“I don’t wanna play it with her

Are you kidding me with this?

When did these inmates start ruling my asylum? And without my daily dose of yoga, my “Namaste” sounds more like “Get the f*ck out of my face!”.

Shame on me for being a whining mom, but, I’m just saying what you are thinking, right?

I love my girls, and I’d like to think I’m a really good mom.

Just not on snow days.

Say No to Cyberbullying

Posted: 1986 days ago in Parenting Sex & Relationships

cyberbullyingRemember back to school days, when some a$$hole kid came up with a nickname to describe your less than perfect feature? Maybe it was your lack of physical development, or something you did that became your unfortunate calling card. Kids can be brutal, and I’ve witnessed this first hand.

Well, this piece is to all the parents, whether your kid is the recipient, dealer, or neutral third party to bullying; we all need to bring our awareness to a very real problem.

Kids these days have it hard. If someone wants to make their life a living hell – they can do it; in person and online. The worst of which is the latter. I mean, think of all the times you were upset, and said something about someone behind their back – maybe you meant it, maybe you didn’t. Could you have said the same thing straight to their face? If you answered yes to that, well then good for you. I’d say your integrity (whether good or bad) is top notch.

Well, that’s exactly what cyberbullying is; it’s slurring someone’s name with the protection of anonymity, or not having to face the victim. This often makes the bullying much, much worse. Some examples of Internet, or ‘cyberbullying’ include mean text messages or emails, rumors sent by email or posted on social networking sites, and embarrassing pictures, videos, websites, or fake profiles.

I recently received a message from a Dr. Tania reader and concerned mother asking what to do about her daughter, who has fallen victim to Internet bullying. Her daughter is active in school sports, is on the honor roll, and seems to have a lot of friends – and yet has been brought to her knees, sobbing by the harassment she’s received from some teenage girls, online.

Of course as adults, our first reaction is to block the perpetrators, but from experience with my girls, they’ve preferred to not do this. It’s a “know thine enemy,” thing, and I can’t blame them for that. Here are some things that we as parents can do to help stop the bullying in its tracks:

Consult all adults involved. Where do your kids interact with the bullies at school? Is it in a class, on a team, at lunch hour, or solely online? Talk with all teachers, coaches, and supervisors involved making them aware of what’s going on. Most important of all; talk with the parents of the bullying children/teens. Make them aware of the situation they’re putting your child in, but be careful not to make them wrong. What I mean by this is, it’s pretty easy to get emotional about the mistreatment of your child, but it’s more important to have them on your side, rather than against you.

Confront the bully. I’ve had the opportunity to talk to some ‘mean girls’ indirectly, if they’ve ended up in my car for a carpool or something similar. When I get the chance, I’ll share a story about ‘someone I know’ who didn’t realize some of the things she was Tweeting, FBing, etc., were so hurtful until someone pointed it out. I asked the girl to put herself in the recipients position, posing the question, “how would that make you feel?”

Love and support your child! A lot of us have been there, whether it was us being bullied, or a friend – we know how much it can hurt. We also know that eventually bullies let up, and people will move on. It’s important that your son or daughter know that you love them, support them, and are proud of all they have done. Be there for them if they need to talk, and if something seems amiss, ask them. In my experience, having my girls involved in school sports and activities keeps their minds off of more trivial things.  They are surrounded by positive messages and teamwork, while keeping their bodies healthy and strong, so I absolutely support extracurricular activities.

I’m going to end with a message that I received from the same concerned mother I mentioned above. She posted this on her wall as a message to all kids and parents involved in her daughter’s bullying, and I commend her for her words.

cyberbullying2

May we all work towards living peacefully, together. Our kids included. Pass along the word!

Sticks & Stones,

A Little “Hello How Are Ya” in the Bedroom

Posted: 1990 days ago in Sex & Relationships

hellohowareyawarning

We are proceeding straight to the butt hole. For fun!

If you are sexually active and you and your partner haven’t gone “there,” then you are missing out.

(Let me digress for a minute to say that I am operating under the assumption that your sexual relationships are mutual, monogamous and safe in every respect.)

Sex is waaaaaay more than inserting penis into the vagina. Maybe when we turned in our V cards, that defined our whole repertoire of sex, but in a more mature and/or longer-term relationship, that is just the beginning. I consider stimulation of many erogenous zones to be part of sex, and the butt has gotten a bad rap.

If you’re like many of the people I talk to, you haven’t considered the butt as a source of sexual pleasure (or have but won’t admit it). I’m not even talking about anal intercourse here people, though if that floats your boat, then go for it! Gentle pressure with a finger, tongue or sex toy of your choice around and in the butt can be really pleasurable for men and women alike.

I’ll say what some of you are thinking… EWWW! Or possibly… hmmmmm? But poop comes out of there! It’s a one-way street! Duh. No sh*t. However, if you practice great hygiene and are not battling a gastrointestinal illness, there is no reason to be grossed out.

Sex is great without it, you say? Well good for you! But if something has the potential to make it just a wee bit better, wouldn’t you want to check it out?

I thought so.

Inner Circle

Posted: 2027 days ago in Sex & Relationships

boysHave you ever seen the posts where childhood pictures are recaptured in what seems like the same place, with the same people, in the same clothes?

They’re pretty neat.

I especially love the ones where there is a group of friends, re-creating their “moment in history.” It reminds me of the movie, ‘The Sandlot.’ A similar picture hangs on my wall. It’s of a bunch of little boys, aged 10 or so. The banner on the picture says, “Camp Wilson Mini-Bike Camp,” circa 1978. 

Last weekend, I witnessed as the same group of boys (excuse me, men) sat around a fire, 35 years later, acting pretty much like they were still 10.

How many of us are lucky enough to have the same core group of friends that we had at Mini-Bike/Girl Scout camp? Not many, I’m guessing!

Lucky you if you have your inner circle. If you have it – nurture it, always.

Is it too late for those of us who don’t?

(Now, where did I put that yearbook…)

The Good Divorce

Posted: 2035 days ago in Sex & Relationships

thegooddivorceBefore you call me an oxy-moron, please know that the “best” divorces never happen.

In a perfect world, you choose the right partner at the right time and live happily ever after. But if you should decide that being happier apart is better than miserable together, then please, aim for a good divorce.

Too many people put their heads in the sand as their marriages falter. I mean, you can only shove so many emotions down inside before they come spewing up in a heated outburst of inappropriate behavior or damaging argument.

Fight for your marriage!

Go to counseling, do the hard work, leave nothing on the table.

If, after all that, for whatever reason, the person you are married to is not the person you were meant to grow old with, get out before it gets ugly. Chances are, if you are desperately unhappy, so is your partner, and he or she will be relieved that you had the guts to say it.

The New Foreplay

Posted: 2071 days ago in Sex & Relationships

newforeplayMy husband really knows how to get my motor running.

When I hit the garage door opener yesterday, my jaw hit the floor. Just a few hours before the garage had been a train wreck, and now here it was, beautifully neat and tidy.

It gets better.

The kitchen was also clean. And I’m not talking just ‘dishes-away’ kind of clean, but counters-wiped, everything-away, even under-the-sink-was-organized kind of clean. Oh boy was that sexy. So sexy, I knew someone would be getting lucky that night.

Girls, I know that you know what I’m talking about! When relationships are hot and new, just a smoldering look is foreplay enough. Add a few years and life in the mix, and it’s not unusual to need a lot more, um, ‘attention to detail’ to get you in the mood.

Guys don’t seem to have this same issue. Foreplay for them is, well, breathing.  

I’m not sure that men are from Mars, but I do know that us women generally feel love differently. Women feel love when they are emotionally supported, and men feel love when they are getting laid. By ’emotionally supported’, I really mean that your partner understands that there is no way you can relax if you have a laundry list of things that need to be done. And by getting laid, I mean getting laid.

Let’s help each other out, okay? We’ll start with the guys, so make them read this!

If you want more sex, do the dishes. Doing housework without asking = more sex, so f*ck the flowers and candy routine. I mean, it’s Pavlovian, really. “Wow – I vacuumed after work and got laid. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some laundry and see what that gets me!” It might just rhyme with bread. Or coral. Need I say more?

And girls, if you find your guys helping out, don’t you just want to rip their pants off? It’s not that we don’t want and enjoy sex; it’s the getting started part we sometimes need help with. I absolutely suggest letting them know that you appreciate their efforts, in a way they won’t forget. After all, everyone wins with a positive feedback cycle. Am I right?

I’m in no way trying to diminish the deep feelings of love and connection that committed relationships bring, but at the end of the day, life is busy and complicated and if there is an easy formula for everyone to be happier, why not go with it?

Foreplay away ladies and gentlemen!