Love is in the Details

Posted: 1496 days ago in Sex & Relationships

loveisinthedetails

My hottie husband treats me really, really well every day.

That’s not a brag, either. We all deserve to have partners who love us and treat us like we are the cat’s meow, don’t we?

So why do I feel just a little bit bitchy if we don’t “do” the Valentine’s Day thing? I mean, I’ll take 365 days of an amazing husband over one day of flowers and candy any time. And I don’t really want to go to an overcrowded restaurant on amateur night, nor do I want him to spend $75 bucks on a $25 bouquet of flowers.

I guess I’m just as vulnerable as the next girl to the media’s expectation of romance. But I don’t want to be.

In fact, last year, I splurged on a couple’s massage for the two of us, envisioning a mid-week rendezvous while the girls were home doing schoolwork. 

In reality… We rushed out the door into a cold, rainy night. The massage was a bit awkward, as our therapists communicated by whispering in our ears so as not to disturb our partners. So exhausted from our long days, we both fell asleep on our massage table. To top it off, instead of a post-massage glass of wine and make-out session, we wiped the drool from our sheet-creased faces and stumbled home in a stupor. All in all, it was really a creepy, somewhat un-fulfilling experience.

ROMANCE FAIL!

True romance isn’t reserved for one cold day in mid-February. True romance is making a smoothie for your partner every single morning without complaint, even if you don’t really want to. Or, cleaning the kitchen every single night after Hurricane Tania obliterates it (yet again). And even staying up late to help your honey prepare for an early morning meeting.

loveisinthedetails-textMaybe this year I’ll give Hallmark the metaphorical finger and delight in the fact that I get to wake up next to my forever-boyfriend every morning, with or without the obligatory card and candy. 

What do you think?

The Big O

Posted: 1616 days ago in Sex & Relationships

thebig-orgasm

Yup. “That O”. As in Orgasm.

As in “Oh God Oh God Oh God……..YES!”.

I think it’s a bit unfair that the great majority of men can pretty much count on sex ending in orgasm for them. I’d venture to say it’s a given, isn’t it, barring any coitus interruptus from a three-year old barging into the room?

With a loving and attentive partner, and possibly a little help from a friend like Lelo, most women can hope to orgasm with sex, too…

…..after about 15 or 20 minutes.

You see, in the world of orgasms, men are the microwaves and women are the crock-pots. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just a different thing. Microwave popcorn is awesome, and so is beef stew that’s been simmering all afternoon.

The trick is how to have – uh – dinner ready at the same time when you are cooking with both appliances.

It just takes a little creativity. Perhaps the crock-pot should be turned on well before the microwave’s ‘start’ button is pushed. And – while you’re at it, make sure all the food in the crock-pot has really started to simmer and get nice and juicy, too. Only then should the microwave be turned on.

It’s all about the timing.

Bon Appetite (wink wink)

I’m Listening…

Posted: 1630 days ago in Sex & Relationships

Imlistening
After years of running a practice, meeting and talking with people day-in-and-day-out, I think I’ve come to an understanding of what it takes to really connect with someone.

This, coming from a girl whose inner child is as introverted and shy as can be – but as a doctor, you almost have to be outgoing. Think about it: how could I help others without first asking them questions about themselves? You can’t, so that’s exactly what I do. I spend a lot of time asking my patients about their health and any concerns they are having. What I find is that this mentality clears the path for them to share even more about themselves, and about their lives.

The secret, my dear readers, is in asking questions and then listening!

Can you believe it? One of the greatest skills in becoming a people person isn’t necessarily what you have to say about yourself. Instead, it’s the questions you ask others, and then, how well you listen to their answers!

Not to mention, it gets you off the hot seat. When you ask someone – anyone, a question about themselves and then truly listen, you can learn a lot about them. After all, everyone has a story they’re just dying to tell, if only someone would ask.

If anyone says I’m a good conversationalist, it’s only because I asked the right questions. Asking someone, “where did you get that cool looking yoga mat?” or, “what do you think of this conference so far?” – all of these things get people to open up, ultimately sharing their realities with you.

Don’t be calculated, either. Just be truly curious about people! There is nothing more awkward than sitting in a room full of people who aren’t talking. So I challenge you! Be the person who breaks the silence. Find something that you like about someone else, or something that intrigues you and then use that as a way to spark up a conversation.

You’ll be surprised at who you meet and what you learn. Good stuff!

Sticking Together

Posted: 1665 days ago in Sex & Relationships

sitcking-together

My best childhood friend was doing her residency in radiology while she was pregnant.

Her boss, another female doctor, made it very clear that she was not to expect any concession for her condition, and in fact, was harder on her than any of the other doctors.

Really, sister? Was that necessary?

Michele is one of the smartest and hardest-working women I know, who does way more than is expected of her every time. It upsets me still that some women seem to delight in taking other women down. I am definitely not a flag-waving feminist, but don’t we have enough to deal with, considering glass-ceilings and pay inequality? Wouldn’t it be nice to know that you have guaranteed support from your home team?

We’re not in high-school any more, Dorothy.

Tearing someone down does not build you up. Some men and women alike don’t deserve your support, but undermining another woman out of jealousy or spitefulness does not look good on you.

I personally pinch myself every day when I think of the team I was blessed with throughout my time in practice: three smart, accomplished, and beautiful (ahem) female doctors, supported by equally smart, accomplished and beautiful support team members. Although we don’t work together now, we love each other dearly, worked like a well-oiled machine, and still support one another to this day.

So, just be kind to your own kind. There is a whole lot more to gain in building each other up, than there is in tearing someone down.

You feel me, ladies?

Know Your Love Languages

Posted: 1727 days ago in Sex & Relationships

love-language-720

Yesterday was lovely.  

One of my favorite places to practice hot yoga – Prana Studio in Annapolis, MD – had a fundraiser for the Africa Yoga Project. We practiced for 90 minutes in the most beautiful setting – an open barn on a farm of rolling fields. I chatted with Liz, a fellow yogi for a few minutes, and had an “A-Ha” moment that I just had to write about.

Essentially, Liz said that she and her fiancé had discussed the three ways they each feel loved. A.k.a. their “love languages.”

For instance, food makes him feel loved, and exercise does it for her but not vice versa. So though he enjoys cooking, and she appreciates that she doesn’t have to, coming home to a romantic meal would not get her juices flowing. However, if she came home to find the kayak out for a sunset paddle, he would definitely be getting some that night. Conversely, if she wanted to do something special for him, she should have a personal chef come cook a great dinner for the two of them rather than plan a day hike.

Understand their love languages?

For me, dishes are the new foreplay. I love a clean house, but organization is not one of my strong points. When I come home to find my hot husband has cleaned the kitchen / vacuumed the living room – watch out, because it’s ON!

For my husband it’s acts of service like foot and back rubs, making his protein shake every morning, planning travel adventures for us to enjoy, and loving on our dogs (his kids) — and for me when he loves on the girls. I think our acknowledgement of each other’s love languages is what makes our relationship so strong.

If you’re new to the idea of love languages: the idea was officially coined in 1995 by author Gary Chapman with his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. I’ll briefly list the love languages here as a starting point, but as you can see by Liz’s story above, you can improvise your love languages to be specific to you and your mate.

divider2So here we go, the five [official] love languages:

  1. Words of Affirmation – “I love you,” “I’m so proud of you,” “you’re doing great babe.”
  2. Quality Time – self explanatory.
  3. Gifts – again, self explanatory.
  4. Acts of Service – cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry, etc.
  5. Physical Touch – once again, self-explanatory.

divider2And no sense in spinning your wheels, right? If you’re lucky enough to have a love in your life, and have the motivation to do something nice for them, make it worth your while and speak the love languages that they understand.

XO.

Pity Party So Hard

Posted: 1777 days ago in Sex & Relationships

pityparty

Boy, I had a doozy of a pity party for myself yesterday.  

Whether it was the result of too little sleep, too long a winter (that somehow continued into May), too many carbs or too few fitness classes – I may never know. Probably a combination of all of those things, sprinkled with crashing estrogen levels to boot.

All I know is, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and stayed there.

Now, I’m a huge proponent of ‘faking it till you feel it’. I don’t have many bad days, but when I do, I can usually shake it off with a big smile and some kind words to someone – myself or a friend.

Yesterday, not so much. 

You wanna know what I finally did? I surrendered to the cause. Just like I preach listening to your body – resting and nurturing your body when it feels run down – I decided to rest and nurture my spirit. I marched myself up to my room, had a good boo-hoo (about what, I still don’t know), and read something inspirational. After a bit of a snooze, I tip-toed through my day with less of the vim and vigor than usual.

I was gentle with myself. And you know what? It worked.  

Today is a much better day, even though it’s dreary and my to-do list is catch-up long. If you have an occasional blue day, be gentle with your self, too.  And if your blue days outnumber your good ones, then please, please, talk to a counselor or therapist about that.

It happens to the best of us.

So much love,

Schadenfreude. Huh?

Posted: 1785 days ago in Everything Else Sex & Relationships

schadenfreude

My mom is German, so it’s fun to say this with my poor attempt at a German accent.

Schadenfreude.

The literal translation is Fail-Joy, or enjoyment obtained by the failure of others. Oh boy. Yes, we are going to go there.

I know that all of you have a few or more close friends and acquaintances that you only wish the best for. But I also know that most of you quite likely get a teeny, tiny bit of pleasure if those said individuals get a big zit on their noses, get dumped by their PERFECT boyfriend, or don’t get the promotion they were coveting because of a flop at work.

463576661The rest of you are lying.

It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. Live Science has studied this very topic and confirmed that the reason we smile when these things happen is because internally, it’s a self-affirming boost. ‘ “If somebody enjoys the misfortune of others, then there’s something in that misfortune that is good for the person,” said study researcher Wilco W. van Dijk, adding that, “it could be due to thinking the other person deserves the misfortune, and so becoming less envious of them or feeling better about one’s self.” ‘

Please don’t mistake schadenfreude for WISHING that those things would happen to your friends. That would just make you a bitch, or an evil sorceress.

But if they just so happen to happen, especially if those said friends just seem to have it all going for them, it’s completely normal to feel a little satisfaction, like life really does have its own set of checks and balances.

Feel better now?

The Geographically Undesirable Clitoris

Posted: 1861 days ago in Sex & Relationships

clitoris

No that’s not a clitoris – it’s a place called Antelope Canyon out in Arizona – known for its erotic resemblance. Ooooh La La!

Anyway – you know how guys get teased about how they tend to overestimate the size of their penises? Well, I think whoever created women underestimated the effective distance between the clitoris and vagina. In terms of reaching orgasm through intercourse alone, that inch or two may as well be two feet.

I am continually shocked that women who cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse alone, think that they are in the minority.

Ladies, listen up: You are in good company!

Upwards of 75% of women need a manual assist – read, direct clitoral stimulation – to achieve orgasm. That’s right! Although foreplay and an attentive partner certainly help the situation – still, most of us will NEVER climax if we don’t give our little lima bean some attention. It’s just an anatomical thing.

limabean

The male equivalent of the clitoris is the glans, or head of the penis. It’s in the center of the action, so rarely does the male intercourse experience not end in orgasm for that very reason. Asking a woman to have a orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris would be comparable to a man achieving orgasm without any type of contact with the head of his penis.

For that reason, I will never understand why the seat of female orgasm lies an inch or two north of the vagina. Unless you are one of the lucky few, and I repeat fewthat can achieve vaginal orgasms, you will need super creative positioning (I suggest trying the CAT technique ), or a willing hand, vibrator, or mouth to reach the Big O.

Don’t you feel better now?

Are You in a Relationship….or a Situationship?

Posted: 1878 days ago in Sex & Relationships

situationshipI read this term in Marie Claire magazine recently and I loved it.

What is a situationship? If you’re with a ‘place-holder’ – you know…not your dream mate, but someone who’s good enough for the moment – you are in a situationship.

Do you have a friend with benefits or someone on your speed dial for a late night booty-call? You would be in a situationship.

What if you are with someone because it’s better than being alone? That is the ultimate situationship and I would urge you to end it.

If there’s already a train in your station, there isn’t a track available for the “train of your dreams” to arrive. You must create the space before he or she will ever appear – it’s the most basic relationship advice I could ever give someone!

No judgement, chicas, just don’t kid yourself, or the (in)significant other that’s in the situationship with you. If you’re both on the same page, no harm, no foul. But if one of you is longing for a REALationship, it’s bound to end badly.

Just saying.

Snow Days a.k.a. They Blow Days

Posted: 1882 days ago in Sex & Relationships

sb10069045x-001

Call me a hater if you must, but I am no longer a fan of the beloved “snow day”. 

When our girls were little, they were an absolute blast. After a good sleep-in, we’d bundle up, go sledding, build a snowman, and have hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. Afterward, I’d make a big pot of soup and we’d huddle around the fireplace, playing Clue or Blokus for the hundredth time.

Now I just want to shoot myself.

You see, I’m kind of used to having my days to myself when the girls are at school. Planned time off doesn’t throw me for a loop, and trust me, we have a lot of good QT on vacation. But the unanticipated day off? Now they go something like this:

5:00 a.m.: Every phone in the house rings to tell us that we will not have to wake up in an hour to drag our teens out of bed, because due to inclimate weather, school is cancelled.

5:30 a.m.: I’ve been laying in bed for 30 minutes, pissed off because I would have been sleeping but for the annoying phone call, but now am wide awake.

7:00 a.m.: All Yoga classes are cancelled for the day, the grocery store is closed, and I don’t have any ingredients for soup. I consider folding the mountain of laundry… and then reconsider.

10:00 a.m.: The first of many wakeup calls for the girls. My, “Hurray! It’s a snow day! You got to sleep in, but now let’s go do something!” is met with icy glares and stone cold silence followed by, “Whyyyyyyyy did you wake me up?????”.

10:30 a.m.: “Oh giiiirls, you don’t want to waste the whole day sleeping, do you?” Umm, btw, yes, they do.

11:00 a.m.: “GET OUT OF BED THIS MINUTE! YOU WILL NOT SLEEP YOUR LIFE AWAY! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN TODAY… DO YOU HEAR ME? I SAID FUN!”

TEENAGERSThe rest of the day goes something like:

“I’m bored”

“It’s cold out”

“I want to hang out with my friends”

“My friends won’t call me back”

“I’m hungry”

“We don’t have any food”

“I don’t like this food”

“I wanna play a game”

“I don’t wanna play it with her

Are you kidding me with this?

When did these inmates start ruling my asylum? And without my daily dose of yoga, my “Namaste” sounds more like “Get the f*ck out of my face!”.

Shame on me for being a whining mom, but, I’m just saying what you are thinking, right?

I love my girls, and I’d like to think I’m a really good mom.

Just not on snow days.